Why I moved back to VW

[spiderlover]

Having been an Alfa driver for some years, I've come back to the VW fold with a nice shiny Golf GT TDI...

I thought I'd share something which will give you an idea why, and give you all a bit of a laugh. Are there similar rules for VW ownership?:

As the owner of an Italian vehicle, you have undoubtedly found that, from time to time, the thing defies all known laws of physics. Distinguished researchers from all over the world have spent entire lives trying to understand such phenomena. Recently, the Six Laws of Italian Sports Cars were discovered, thus reducing most owners’ dependency on sorcerers and prayer, to keep such cars running. Careless application of these laws to any individual auto may fix the problems of the moment, but cause hives or allergies in said owners.

1. THE LAW OF PLEASING DESIGN WHERE IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER

“The inside of cam covers or other relatively innocuous areas, shall be laced with buttresses, cross-bracing and all manner of esoteric stiffness-with-lightness design, while something like connecting rods shall self-destruct at redline plus 1.0 rpm due to a basic lack of strength.”
An example of this law is the stunningly beautiful Lamborghini or Ferrari V-12’s of the late ’60s. They were famous for wearing out all four camshafts in 10,000 miles or less. The cam’s metal appeared to be recycled coat hangers, which coincidentally are still in short supply in Italy.

2. THE LAW OF NON-FUNCTIONAL APPRATUS

“All Italian sports cars, regardless of age, shall have at least one system or component which does not work, and cannot be repaired. Such a part shall never be mentioned in the Official Shop Manual, although there may be an out-of-focus picture shown.”
It goes without saying that such parts should never under any circumstances be removed, lest the natural balance of the car be upset.

3. THE LAW OF ELECTRICAL CHAOS

“All Italian sports cars shall be wired at the factory by a crosseyed, color-blind worker, using whatever supplies are within reach. All wires shall change color-code at least once between energy source and component. All grounds shall be partially insulated.”
This tends to guarantee that the owner of such vehicles will eventually be intimately familiar with its electrical system, since he will need to trace out each wire, then rewrite his Official Schematic, which will differ from all others in at least one area.

4. THE LAW OF PERSONAL ABUSE

“The more an Italian auto breaks down, the more endearing it becomes to its increasingly irrational owner.”
For example, you purchase an Italian sports car, for all the money you ever hoped to earn, and receive a ticket for air pollution on the way home from the dealer due to the vast clouds of smoke that follow you. Several return trips to said dealer, accompanied by your rapidly dwindling cash reserves, cures the smoking. But now, the engine sounds like a food processor full of ball-bearings. After replacing every component in the car, including the radio speakers, the noise vanishes and is replaced by an odor reminiscent of a major fire in a goat-hair mattress factory. You still keep trying, God help you.

5. THE LAW OF UNAVAILABLE PARTS

“All parts of an Italian sports car shall be made of a material that is available in inverse proportion to its operating halflife.”
Thus, the speedometer hold-down screws are made of grade-8 cold-rolled steel, while the valves are of fabricated Unobtanium, made only at midnight by an old man with a pointy hat covered with moons and stars. Such parts will be back-ordered during the design phase of the car, and will remain so forever. Bribes, pleading and threats will be ignored.

6. THE LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTIONS

“Any official publications dealing with repair, maintenance or operations of an Italian sports car, shall be written such that every fourth word is incomprehensible to the average American. In the event that a random sentence is understandable, its information shall be wrong.”
This is also known as flat-tire English, where a sentence flows along nicely, then—Kaboom!

[spiderlover]

The wierd thing is - I get almost as much of a smile out of my new Golf but for different reasons. Mainly because it is such a wolf in sheeps clothing (i think my 159 was a sheep in wolf's clothing! )

There's nothing on earth, including the threat of divorce which would make me sell my old Spider though. It's solidly engineered from 2mm tin plate and unobtanium but it has "Presence" and people stop to look at it when I drive by. Mostly middle aged blokes who's first introduction to women was watching Anne Bancroft in the Graduate I might add, but I really enjoy people asking me about the car and actually wanting to hear what I have to say about it. I've spent many a summer afternoon in the car park of my local chatting to blokes at length about the joys of driving a 33 year old car with leaf spring rear suspension and the pros and cons of 8 Track car stereos.

Sorry if I'm alienating the younger forum members (and having said that I'm only 37 and can't actually remember 8 tracks when they were state of teh art) but for simple pleasure, you can't beat an old rag top even at 20mph........I think I'm turning into James May

[spiderlover]

Dodgy wipers? I would like to draw your attention to rule number 3!

I've got some pics but they're too big for the forum. I'll email one to you!

[MalcQV]

I have only owned one, but mixed with many. I absolutely love them to bits (which can be the case).

Everything mentioned is of course true, but who cares, when I am in mine I have a smile from ear to ear.

It is probable I won't always be a VW owner, however Italian yes oh yes

[gazza57]

Having owned an Alfa 156 for all be it a short time, i cant help but laugh not at you you understand but for the reason of returning back to vw where as i returned back to Audi, i think you need to have owned an Italian made car to truly understand what you have written, or at least have visited a dealer parts dept, that said my 156 always brought a smile to my face when i drove it, and i can understand why to the few these cars have a following.

But a great read well done that man

I know quite a few people who like yourself have owned an Alfa and they all say the same.
I used to car share with a bloke who had a 2.5GTV6 which was a monstrous drive, it went like a rocket and handled superbly in fact almost all one could ask for in a sports car. Except that more often than not it would break down on the way to work or on the way home, usually in the pouring rain. All of the interior trim appeared to be stuck on to the inside with copydex. The electrical switches for the lights and wipers and blower fell off regularly. The internal wiring was horrendous and consisted of cables stretched like bowstrings with corroded connectors each end.
One day, we were driving along the motorway when the roof lining came down on our heads and we were driving along with the headlinings sitting on our bonces.
Alfas are fine if you don't have to be anywhere on time and are quite happy to carry a bag with you to recover the bits as they fall off.
He loved it and was devastated when it failed the MOT due to rust.
Needless to say our timekeeping at work vastly improved after the GTV went to the scrapyard in the sky, but driving wasn't so much fun!
Regards
Gazza57

[spiderlover]

I liked the review of the Brera, RX8 and Hairdresser's car on Top Gear last night. You can tell that May, Hammond and Clarkson are true petrol heads having concluded that the best car was actually the worst..... and deciding that the Brera is the car for the heart.....

I didn't think that the review was all that objective though - the Brera is automotive pornography and having driven the Brera and a pre-production version of the new Spider, it was obvious to me that the Alfa was the car to display in an art gallery....none of the others even come close for "soul" In fact, to quote Mr Clarkson, when I drove the new spider around the lanes of Cheshire at the end of last year I was nursing a semi....

[gazza57]

I must confess to being not surprised at all that the art critics thought the Brera the best car of the three, they are looking at it from an artistic/styling viewpoint. A successful design of any object comprises several elements all of which contribute to the final finished product.
The Brera certainly wins the beauty contest, but a car must be reliable, durable, well built as well as asthetically pleasing, and I'm afraid the Alfa just doesn't cut the mustard in any of the other design considerations other than looks.
The residuals always but always tell the truth, Alfa fare poorly in residuals because there is no demand for them because they are poorly built, unreliable and often bits fall off them both inside and out.
The Teuton Audi is probably not so stylish but is well made, durable and are very reliable hence good residuals and high demand for them at resale time. The RX8 is rather long in the tooth and with a fuel consumption of 23MPG average is a thirsty beast.
No one car beats any other completely but if you forget about just looking at styling alone the Audi has it hands down.
Gazza57

[MalcQV]

Ahh now Gazza you see that is not all true. First thing, people who buy these cars are either petrolheads like us or just someone wanting to impress. The "A to B" people buy other duller stuff IMHO.

So all petrolheads are not so bothered about "reliability" as much as you might think. There is a lot to be considered when buying brand new. So if it was me and it was all my money.... then I would sell my Mondial and with the money for the Audi/Brera/RX8 I would buy a 348 or 355 (LHD) and with a couple of grand over buy me a shitebox runabout. So in reality I would buy neither as £20k+ is too much money for any new car that will depreciate the moment you drive it out of a garage, again IMHO. But that is just me, my missus for example would buy the RX8 as she loves its quirky looks and those fantastic rear doors

If it was a company car then make no mistake for me it would be the Alfa Brera. I will admit reliability and dealer customer care left alot to be desired on Alfa's previously. I do think they are improving from what I read. The depreciation is a big problem, but that in this instance would be the companies problem. I think in time that Alfa's depreciation will slow down.

Point here is as beautiful as the new Audi TT is my family would buy either the RX8 or the Brera and never the TT. I think that most women would buy the TT.... oh and hairdressers

"All cars are equal to all petrolheads" !!!!!!

[spiderlover]

You make some very valid points Gazza, but don't you think that Audi have diluted the visual appeal of the TT? The last model was groundbreaking in its design but the new one seems to have been designed by a committe and doesn't jump out at you any more!

I personally think that when a design is sucessful, the manufacturer should run it for as long as it remains fresh and then come up with something completely new rather than re-hashing and using existing styling cues. I know that the chassis is brand new but I'm sure Audi could have come up with somthing completely different and jaw dropping as the TT was when it was launched....

Still I suppose these things are very subjective

As far as Alfas are concerned, they very much are form over function, and in my view we select Alfas to purchase in a similar way to the way we decide on what women we have in our lives (apologies to the ladies on the forum) They look great in your own eyes and you are happy to overlook the shortcomings...

VW = Reliable but attractive wife
Alfa = Beautiful Italian mistress
Toyota = Hard working but plain secretary

Any more suggestions????

[MalcQV]

Still I suppose these things are very subjective

Right on. Subjective. To car nuts it is like music preferences are to every one else. You don't listen to a band because someone else likes them.