Ben
20-10-2008, 07:21 PM
Big col recently stated the following............
Dear Uncle Christopher,
Please could you either recommend me a new toilet, different sitting position or method of cleaning?
The problem is the back of the pan either always gets severely striped or looks like a flock of starlings has hit it depending of what I've previously eaten or beer I've drunk. Sunday mornings are the worse hence this post. Weekdays are not a problem as works toilet suffers. I usually use trap two at work and have observed that it is not just me as the noises that come out of the adjacent traps are similar, like a giant fart and simultaneous splatting. Not nice, I know but if all four traps are occupied at the same time it can sound like the 'Frog Chorus" but with splatty fart noises instead. Anyway this relates to my own toilet at home.
It is quite annoying as I like to "flush and go" so to speak after of course washing my hands. These modern close coupled bogs are quite obviously only designed for 'girl' poo and not the mighty productions us blokes create when we bark our breakfast down the bowl.
The obvious solution would be to have a high level cistern with a good head of water which quite obviously would provide more kinetic engery to shift those stubborn stripes and pebble dashes. Problem is, that would require substantial re-modelling of the bathroom.
I have taken to having a large plant pot liner in the bathroom which I fill up with water and try and replicate the high level cistern effect by holding it as high as possible and pouring water down. This is a bit of a chore and you can end up with water everywhere.
So what should I do?
Eat more fibre
or
Bite the bullet and fit a high level cistern.
or
Continue to pour water and wear out bog brushes at an exponential rate?
Please help.
What could be wrong with him?
The Ghost Poo: The kind of poo where you feel it come out and you know you’ve done it, but when you wipe there is nothing on the paper and there is no poo in the toilet. Where did it go?
The Clean Poo: The sort of poo that is so smooth and streamlined that it virtually falls out of your bottom. You can see poo in the toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
The Hot Tar Poo: The kind of poo where even after 50 wipes you are still getting staining on the paper so you have to put some bog roll between your bum cheeks in your underwear to prevent skid marks.
The Second Thought Poo: Just as you think you’ve finished your poo and have painstakingly wiped yourself clean and pulled your kegs to your knees, you realise there is more poo to come out.
The Lincoln Log Poo: The kind of poo that is so huge you’re afraid that it will not flush down the toilet unless you break it up into little pieces with the bog brush. This poo only happens when you are at somebody else’s house.
The Sweetcorn Poo: Self explanatory
The “I wish I could Poo” Poo: You really feel as if you need to poo but every time you try, all you manage is a couple of farts.
The side Birth or The Boo-Hoo Poo: This poo hurts so much you think its coming out sideways - your eyes water and you will probably need stitches.
The Fisherman’s Bobber or Floating Poo: You do your poo and flush two times but there are still several golf ball size pieces floating above the water line.
The Sultana Poo: This type of poo is really frustrating. You get yourself prepared for a ‘side-birth’ and spend about half an hour sweating it out on the bog, but all you manage in the end is a small plop resembling a sultana.
The Cliff-hanger or Abseiling Poo: This type of poo is very awkward, you do your poo and then you realise there is a bit of poo dangling from some of your bottom hair, you are left sat on the toilet shaking very quickly in the hope it will drop off so that you don’t smear it across your bottom with the toilet paper.
The Stubborn Poo: This poo could be any of the above poo’s, but after you’ve wiped your bottom and flushed the toilet, you find that the poo has totally refused to go round the U – bend and the toilet water has risen to the point where it enters the pan! What do you do? The water is too deep for the toilet brush!!!???
Dear Uncle Christopher,
Please could you either recommend me a new toilet, different sitting position or method of cleaning?
The problem is the back of the pan either always gets severely striped or looks like a flock of starlings has hit it depending of what I've previously eaten or beer I've drunk. Sunday mornings are the worse hence this post. Weekdays are not a problem as works toilet suffers. I usually use trap two at work and have observed that it is not just me as the noises that come out of the adjacent traps are similar, like a giant fart and simultaneous splatting. Not nice, I know but if all four traps are occupied at the same time it can sound like the 'Frog Chorus" but with splatty fart noises instead. Anyway this relates to my own toilet at home.
It is quite annoying as I like to "flush and go" so to speak after of course washing my hands. These modern close coupled bogs are quite obviously only designed for 'girl' poo and not the mighty productions us blokes create when we bark our breakfast down the bowl.
The obvious solution would be to have a high level cistern with a good head of water which quite obviously would provide more kinetic engery to shift those stubborn stripes and pebble dashes. Problem is, that would require substantial re-modelling of the bathroom.
I have taken to having a large plant pot liner in the bathroom which I fill up with water and try and replicate the high level cistern effect by holding it as high as possible and pouring water down. This is a bit of a chore and you can end up with water everywhere.
So what should I do?
Eat more fibre
or
Bite the bullet and fit a high level cistern.
or
Continue to pour water and wear out bog brushes at an exponential rate?
Please help.
What could be wrong with him?
The Ghost Poo: The kind of poo where you feel it come out and you know you’ve done it, but when you wipe there is nothing on the paper and there is no poo in the toilet. Where did it go?
The Clean Poo: The sort of poo that is so smooth and streamlined that it virtually falls out of your bottom. You can see poo in the toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
The Hot Tar Poo: The kind of poo where even after 50 wipes you are still getting staining on the paper so you have to put some bog roll between your bum cheeks in your underwear to prevent skid marks.
The Second Thought Poo: Just as you think you’ve finished your poo and have painstakingly wiped yourself clean and pulled your kegs to your knees, you realise there is more poo to come out.
The Lincoln Log Poo: The kind of poo that is so huge you’re afraid that it will not flush down the toilet unless you break it up into little pieces with the bog brush. This poo only happens when you are at somebody else’s house.
The Sweetcorn Poo: Self explanatory
The “I wish I could Poo” Poo: You really feel as if you need to poo but every time you try, all you manage is a couple of farts.
The side Birth or The Boo-Hoo Poo: This poo hurts so much you think its coming out sideways - your eyes water and you will probably need stitches.
The Fisherman’s Bobber or Floating Poo: You do your poo and flush two times but there are still several golf ball size pieces floating above the water line.
The Sultana Poo: This type of poo is really frustrating. You get yourself prepared for a ‘side-birth’ and spend about half an hour sweating it out on the bog, but all you manage in the end is a small plop resembling a sultana.
The Cliff-hanger or Abseiling Poo: This type of poo is very awkward, you do your poo and then you realise there is a bit of poo dangling from some of your bottom hair, you are left sat on the toilet shaking very quickly in the hope it will drop off so that you don’t smear it across your bottom with the toilet paper.
The Stubborn Poo: This poo could be any of the above poo’s, but after you’ve wiped your bottom and flushed the toilet, you find that the poo has totally refused to go round the U – bend and the toilet water has risen to the point where it enters the pan! What do you do? The water is too deep for the toilet brush!!!???