JimC64
05-07-2012, 01:51 AM
Looked this one out to post.........I remember vividly reading through this some years ago and still recall the feeling of tears running down my cheek, probably, beacuse like most of you, I'd beent here myself at some point.
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when
I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable
modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered
inadequacy of service which I had not previously
considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me
to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I
suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in
your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning
or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday
sitting on my fat ar se waiting for your technician to
arrive.
When he did not arrive at all, I spent a
further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold
music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman
telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I
alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing
with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at
which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two
weeks later, although the technician did forget to
bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit,
and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived.
After several further telephone calls (actually 15
telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a
total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun
to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers
is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between
about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of
the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have
made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help
line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred
to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it
seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is
available (and someone will call me back), that no
telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone
who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and then been redirected to an answer machine
informing me that your office is closed), that I will
be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected
to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several
other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as
you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied
customers to ignore, and also another one of those
crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a
customer to voice my frustrations in print than to
shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shi t, that they had attained the
holy p iss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that
no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested,
less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and
because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless shower of bar stewards you truly are. You are
sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom -
wa nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of
your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile
and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service
from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease
any potential future attempts to extort payment from
me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity
will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief
- although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused
rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care
from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter
and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless
company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
dessicated during transit - they were satisfyingly
moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience
both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider
them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL,
and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable
short life, you irritatingly incompetent and
infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw ats
Yours psychotically,
Xxxx Xxxxxxx
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when
I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable
modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered
inadequacy of service which I had not previously
considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me
to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I
suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in
your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning
or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday
sitting on my fat ar se waiting for your technician to
arrive.
When he did not arrive at all, I spent a
further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold
music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman
telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I
alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing
with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at
which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two
weeks later, although the technician did forget to
bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit,
and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived.
After several further telephone calls (actually 15
telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a
total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun
to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers
is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between
about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of
the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have
made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help
line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred
to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it
seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is
available (and someone will call me back), that no
telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone
who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and then been redirected to an answer machine
informing me that your office is closed), that I will
be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected
to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several
other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as
you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied
customers to ignore, and also another one of those
crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a
customer to voice my frustrations in print than to
shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shi t, that they had attained the
holy p iss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that
no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested,
less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and
because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless shower of bar stewards you truly are. You are
sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom -
wa nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of
your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile
and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service
from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease
any potential future attempts to extort payment from
me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity
will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief
- although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused
rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care
from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter
and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless
company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
dessicated during transit - they were satisfyingly
moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience
both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider
them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL,
and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable
short life, you irritatingly incompetent and
infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw ats
Yours psychotically,
Xxxx Xxxxxxx