Need Advice please (dsg4me)

[phil miller]

Right i want to ask my friends something and im hoping you will point me the right way, i know this is something i should sort on my own, and to be fair or the last 12 months my choices have been s h i t so here goes, last weekend i went out with my 2 bosses and one of the lads from work for a keen of xmas do, my work mates misses dropped us down and my OH picked us up at 1ish i was totally hammered, stopping to be sick, fell asleep with my head in our toilet the full 9 yards, anyway she happened to tell me her and a load of friend were going out saturday night (tonight) and i was looking after the kids (fair enough) so the last day or 2 she has been acting really strange been unable to put my finger on it, today whilst i was at work she calls to say she had seen a friend who had asked after me and that she had got a new dress :eek: in the 11 months ive known her she has never worn a dress, i let it go, the twins were fed bathed and in bed at record speed tonight and her 9 yr old was upset when she went out but instead of staying to calm her down she left (thanks alot) anyway the heating has been playing up (froozen pipe) so i went to bed at 11ish at about midnight my mobile starts ringing and its her, so i answered it and said hiya whats up...... and i heard was her chatting up some bloke, no i better get this right, she told some bloke that she had a bf but he wasnt there so its alright ***, my blood pressure went thro the roof:zx11::zx11::zx11::zx11::zx11::zx11:, i hung up and called her off the house phone no answer, i tried again still the same no answer, now at this point i was climbing the ******* walls, so i texted saying CALL ME ASAP! within about 10 mins the phone rang she asked what was wrong, i said one of the twins had woken and wanted to talk to her but id got her settled, it seemed to me she couldnt get me off the phone fast enough, she should be home about 2 am should i question her about what i heard? im working again tomorrow so chances are i wont see her till tomorrow after football at that point i will be knackered, so can someone please tell me what would you do in my position, do i sit up and question her tonight, do i wait till tomorrow or do i keep my gob shut and do nothing?

[DSG4ME]

Ok Phil, lets start it right, you do not suspect a mood change, when you read one, it's because it's there, and that is a worry point.

She couldn't get out the door quick enough, quick enough to not bother settling what I guess is hers and not your child?

This isn't the behaviour of a devoted person, it's more like the actions of a selfish person, or someone that can't risk missing the bus.

The dress, this one isn't a worry, that is the shallowness of I must outdo the rest coming out in her, it's like someone arriving at a meet for Cortina owner's in a Cosworth with just about every mod imaginable and standing there looking smug about it.

The phone call can be one of two thing's, it either means she wasn't meeting anyone behind your back but has now been locked onto and is either interested or just mugging drinks as girls do, or she's intentionally bumped into someone she knows, however I like you would need new plasterboard on the ceiling by now.


What to do? I would see what time she arrives home, if it's early it's a bad sign in a way, this is the cover up method to make you feel at ease, if she's late go for an Yves,Diesel,Hugo smell check around the shoulders, do it discretly though.

One thing not to do is start shouting, be calm and ask a question, accept and note the answer and then ask it again tomorrow and see if the story has changed.

I can offer some more, but I need background first


Has she been mentioning anyone male at work, started a new job, kids, are they yours etc.

Last thing I want to do is to split you up with bad advice, but you did ask for it, and even if it hurts, it's better to be certain, than to be a mushroom and endure a life of no trust or even worst bat the sticky.

Keep cool though, she's at a disadvantage right now cos she's drunk, but until you know for sure, don't go calling her names or losing it, she might be just a naturally guilty looker who looks like she's up to something, but infact isnt.


When you get this Phil, read it and reply to me in a PM, and ask Esh to delete this thread incase it bites you later.

[DSG4ME]

This may help, ok it's TV but I watch the show, and it's very true to life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgRJ7-s0u7c&feature=related

Open it up fullscreen and look for the anger,contempt and fear ones, look at her for the first two, don't worry about the fear one, she'll have that anyway if she thinks you are up the pole.

Look for one side shoulder shrugging, the mouth in a Mr Grumpy pose, fiddling with rings, closing up and hiding of the fist, these are all signs of a lie in progress, if she looks suprised, the look should only last a second, any longer and there's something being hidden.

Here's a parody of it to lighten the mood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR-dqiFDNjE


And remember, us REAL blokes don't hit women whatever the reason, so stay cool, and at worst, find a new girl who you can trust. ;)

[Eshrules]

excuse the harsh tone this will undoubtedly come out with, but you've only known her 11 months, but share a home with two children, one of which is her 9 year old? Have I got that part straight?

secondly - if rang you, I'm bemused as to why you heard what you heard. Women are strange creatures and when drinking will often pull funny tricks.

As far as I'm concerned, they can be chatted up by whoever chooses to do so, as long as they end up in my bed at the end of the night, there's no harm done.

I honestly think this is much ado about nothing and fear your apparent insecurities might be undermining the relationship itself.

11 months is not a massive amount of time to have known someone, if there are trust issues within the relationship already, you're in trouble.

I don't mean to lecture, so apologise in advance if my post comes across as such, but I've been in a destructive relationship previously, it's not fun and you're better off alone than in such a situation.

[phil miller]

excuse the harsh tone this will undoubtedly come out with, but you've only known her 11 months, but share a home with two children, one of which is her 9 year old? Have I got that part straight?



sorry i should have mentioned id known her about 4 yrs before we got together, all most right i stay over some nights at my mums, its not so much of a trust issue, well ok it is but and there was a but coming after the way in which me and my ex parted i dont want to be a laughing stock again, it took many months of hard work and commitment to pick myself up, what im trying to say is if shes playing around i will blow her out now to save it happening again, if that make any sence?

[Eshrules]

makes total sense, but you have to judge each new person and relationship on it's own merits, we have to resist the natural urge to use our past to judge the current/future.

if you've got trust issues which exist from the previous relationship, you must resolve those before you can hope for another to work.

in essence, take the yardstick and throw it away, for all intents, the current gf hasn't actually done anything wrong as far as I can see.

[DSG4ME]

I think you may have a girl who did too much too young, and now she finds herself between security and lost time, you need to keep an eye on things incase she isnt as commited as you are, I will add more later.

[phil miller]

we havent spoken yet (9yr old is getting ready for bed) before i went to football i asked if anyone had made a pass at her (she did look really nice) she said no, anyway just as i was going to footie she told me that her friend had taken someone home who is in the same team as me but she wouldnt tell me who anyway i was chatting with the lads before the game and 2 of them were on about last night and 2 women they had met, thing is im sure they were on about im OH and her mate, im just doing my own thing working late tomorrow and tuesday so will leave her to it, if push comes to shove i will walk away :o

[Ben]

did she have a hand bag or clutch bag and was haer mobile in it or elsewhere on her person? I don't believe she rang you purposley. I believe she rang you accidently by leaning on her phone or it knocked against something - naturally you answered and heard what you heard. Unlike a landline, when you terminated the phone call from your end, her mobile would automatically hang up so she would not of known the call was made. Did you hear much content of the conversation to recite to her?

[phil miller]

did she have a hand bag or clutch bag and was haer mobile in it or elsewhere on her person? I don't believe she rang you purposley. I believe she rang you accidently by leaning on her phone or it knocked against something - naturally you answered and heard what you heard. Unlike a landline, when you terminated the phone call from your end, her mobile would automatically hang up so she would not of known the call was made. Did you hear much content of the conversation to recite to her?

she had her handbag with her and i heard almost everything, it seemed a very even convo it wasnt like he was trying it on and she was saying no, the problem is if i hadnt heard anything id prob of gone back to sleep and put it down to something in her bag started the call, which as you said is prob what happened, with hindsight i wish id let it go to answer fone that way i would have it recorded so there would be no way for her to say id mis heard anything, its a catch 22 if she had sent me loads of txts today that would look like she knew that i knew, but then on the other hand by not txtin me could be i dont want him to think ive got something to hide, christ i cant wait to get back to work, atleast its not this stressful

[DSG4ME]

This looks worse with every read, how many fathers do the kids have, this looks very much like a woman I was with years ago, it was always my mind rather than the fact she was a player.

[phil miller]

This looks worse with every read, how many fathers do the kids have, this looks very much like a woman I was with years ago, it was always my mind rather than the fact she was a player.

same father for all 3, she was with him for 14 yrs (i wasnt the reason they broke up) i have just mentioned it (the phone call) she claims she didnt speak to any men last night, so i said about the call, she said what call so i told her to look at her phone, she claims she was prob dancing and her bag was in the reserved area so i then said so someone when thro your bag called me chatting up some bloke, that sounded just like you, her reply was she hadnt spoken to any men last night, so i said well i better see a doctor, i must have problems with my hearing as it sounded just like her, she couldnt answer that, also the worrying point and something ive just thought of is they were in a club so for me to of heard what i did she must have been out side, which TBH makes it even worse

[DSG4ME]

How old is she, and how old are you Phil?

I think she's playing you tbh, it's good that she was with her ex 14 years and all the children are all his, at least you ain't saddled yourself with a complete trollope, however the mentioning of her mate going off with a team mate is also a smoke screen or a deliberate attempt to shove you out of the picture, i.e making it easy for you to put the pieces together.


With choosing anything the eye dictates most of the time, however this is a trick, in life you must choose someone who is going to make you happy and not get bored with, so you can have a stunning looker that has the persona of a plank, or a minger with such an attractive persona who you can always talk to, who never makes you feel uneasy, this is the girl to choose, cos when the looks fade, around 35 in most women, they all begin to look the same, and those that were stunning fall further and harder and end up like Barbara Cartland in the end, only a very few escape this, so come 40 they will all have lines,fat and droopy chops emerging, however true love walks over vanity but you true love is a dual option, it's not true if only one feels that way, so should this end (and I think it will soon) move on and as Esh says start over with a fresh page, i.e don't blame the next one for what the last one did, so, it's better to have a Polo with a sound engine than a Scirrocco with three rings and a valve out.


I think reading, and it is only reading because it's not absolute, she has met someone else who she wants to be with but doesn't know how to move you on, or is playing "MONKEY" this is where they need to grab a firm hold of the next branch before they let go of the one they are already holding on to, probably all involved are in your football team, I suspect her mate has hooked up with someone in your team and introduced her new buddies mate, who sadly it would seem also plays football with you, don't be fooled by the two birds announcement today, that is also smoke, they know all too well who they met and who they were with and were probably trying to make a fool out of you thinking you had no idea, this is what is known as finding out mates are anything but, it's still happens to me even today with ppl I thought I could trust, were all animals and all animals have a primal instinct they can't shift, and that is to take before someone else does, some ppl can resist the urge, but in todays world, not many I'm afraid.


I would give this a go, ask her if she wants to split up, tell her you won't be angry and you won't bother her (if she says yeah, rip her head off and poo down her neck :biglaugh: J/K btw) this way if she is trying for an out you've just given her it, also the two lucky strikers from last night, are either married or have girlfriends? if either do she may still lie to you and say she still loves you, you have to look at the situation, if you go how much money does she lose, if you stay how much does she gain, these are all factors that play in a relationship that have no bearing on the loveometer.


And finally, that call could've been her flicking the guy off, you are in a world of it right now, and nobody local is going to help you out so don't go questioning ppl, they won't want to end up getting the blame at the end of it, and also look at yourself, are you giving her reasons to want to split, the pukeing up in the car last week etc, are you making her feel she chose wrong, all this must be looked at to get the real picture.


Personally from what I've read, I'd be moving on, she sounds like she will lie to you if need be, 3 of someone elses kids, who when they hit 14 will become a mare, trust me I've already had that shirt on, here's inspiration for you, I was 33 when I met my OH, and 35 before I had my first child, this was also her first child as well, so there's no need to saddle yourself with used car's, harsh I know, but me being a cabby, I had many,many girlfriends who had between 1-5 kids, up to 3 kids they were girlfriends, over 3 and they were F/Bud's, and since having my own I'm glad I never settled for any of the other's, even the nicer ones, something smells the fact you have to spend a few nights at mum's as well, that old lets have a break turkey, maybe a bit of night observation is called for, park a clean car outside and set some video up in it out of sight, record it watch it, and see who comes and goes, it's the FBI way of doing it ;)

[MalcQV]

Phil you may have got it all wrong. All you have to do is ask her how she feels about you, it really is that simple.

[zollaf]

womans friends can be very nasty sometimes. it could have been one of her friends making the call to try to wind you up. maybe she was chatting up a bloke. women do these things. if she was serious about it, she would have told him she was single. i wouldnt jump to any conclusions just yet about it. personally, if it happened to me, i would not have said anything, but just watched her like a hawk until i had sussed out her feelings.

[phil miller]

Thank you everyone with your advice, we have talked about it, and i put it plain and simple, if she wasnt happy to say now and we will both move on, her reply wasnt what i thought it would be, she said she doesnt want to be apart from me, i make her very happy and she is also sure know one tried it on, i dont know what to believe, one things for sure hawk and watch her like go together, will see how the next few days/weeks pan out, i wont go thro her phone looking tho, my cosin is coming down on friday to come to the exeter argyle game on saturday and we are all going saturday night i offered to look after the kids friday night so she could go out and she said she didnt want to go out unless i was going with her:confused: dont know how much longer this will last it could be a number of things, time will tell

[DSG4ME]

Give her the benefit Phil, and don't hawk her, that will mess it up for sure, She has had the chance to walk and declined it, that should tell you everything.


After today I would say her mate went looking for Mr Wobblywand and dragged your chick along, so the call was probably her saying she had a B/F but he isn't here, meaning don't worry you won't get lumped for talking to me, there is also the beer thing, us males know all to well how liberating a pint or a barrel can be don't we, I think you'll find she's had a drunken snog somewhere along the way, and this is why she's acting funny, one thing for certain though, her response today isn't one of a woman who doesn't want you, and don't worry about the strikers, one probably did get laid, and the other didn't but is maintaining the big I am status that he did to save face, even though he doesn't need to cos there's no shame just because a girl said no.

Hope you feel better now Phil, it's not a nice feeling to suspect something like this, and it does undermine things, you won't be able to instantly 100% trust others after a let down, nor is it anything wrong you for not jumping in either, trust is built, and one ingredient that doesn't make it all stick together is single mate boozing expedition's, if she doesn't want to go out without you, something deffo happened, but I would guess that she wasn't the guilty party, lets hope that is the end of your worries and it's all good from now on mate.

[zollaf]

thats sorted then phil, now for the making up part. let us know how that goes !!!:D

[Eshrules]

thats sorted then phil, now for the making up part. let us know how that goes !!!:D

need pics

[zollaf]

yeah, and see if one of her friends wants to help out as well, fwarrrrr. ;)

[phil miller]

LMAO im not sure if pics would be welcome on a family site :Blush2:

[zollaf]

oh yes they would. this is the adults section after all.

[SammoVWT]

Lol phil mate. This is good one, im all caught up now. I think she was just angry with you for getting blind drunk, hence im going out and the 'jealousy' phonecall.

SWMBO will put me on the doghouse if i do something wrong. Now I can read this (the off mood syndrome) so I prepare appropriate countermeasures to diffuse my 'antics'.

Eitheray, glad you got it sorted in the end. Just remember that for next time ;) This can always be diffused by doing something mundane like the washing up!

EDIT: I think you have officially been punished now ;)

[bricam1]

Phil,

Not much to add that has not been already said apart from next year can only get better.

Now go and have a good Christmas and a Happy New Year.

[DSG4ME]

Here you go Phil, something to let you know you aren't alone in this annoying female outbreak virus situation.

We've been given a budgie, fine I thinks np, yesterday I arrive home after a tedious 9 hour shift to find a cage the size of an avery in my back room, a back room that is 12x12 reduced to 4x4 floor space thx to all the crap she won't chuck out, this is all thx to my neighbour who supplied the bird as an early xmas pressy for the kids, apparently he wants the small cage that he funded against my knowledge a few weeks back, and has swapped it for this giant parrott cage without asking me, funny how the much needed small cage is still in the other junk filled room though isn't it, I know it's not a case of anything iffy going on as he's in his 60's and looks it, he's always been a good neighbour but I'm getting fed up with being his recycle centre, it would be good if I had room, but I simply do not and the house is bursting at the seams, if I say anything a row and two days of mood ensues, my bedroom looks like a scene from a Mummy film complete with the dust layer, and the kids rooms can only be called corridors now, tbh I'm sick to the teeth of it and want to call in a skip and do it all in one go while shes out, I feel mugged tbh, she hid all her trait's from me right up until she knew she had an anchor in me, then it turned into one annoying bitch, she has about 5 more years of her stick waving left, then once I don't have the worry of some Mr Wonderful bringing my kids up she's going to get re-paid in full, if I could have the time again I would've walked past her, infact I would walk past every last one of them, there simply doesn't seem to be a woman left in this country right now, they all seem like retarded attention seeker's, something I didn't find with European girl's, but you have to look real hard now not to end up with a cranky woman, there are still some good ones about, but not many, no doubt the diet of Corrie and Eastender's has taken it's toll on Britgirl in a damaging way.

Anyway, just to let you know you aren't suffering alone mate, oh and to add to it I picked up a fella who dated one of my former chicks for a few years last night, just got back from a sunny holiday with a group of lads, as we spoke I couldn't help think that could've been me, as we kinda paralleld years ago, young lads with our own flats in the clubs living it without having a permanent girl on the scene, he's managed to retain that, and I'm in jail, or at least it feels that way.

[zollaf]

do it :D. send her xmas shopping for the day, get a skip and a couple of mates round, and do a house clear. just leave what you all need. years ago, you could have just given her a slap and told her to behave, but with sexual equality and all that, unfortunately you can no longer get away with it.
the truth is, you have to live how you want to live, and if you don't wish to live in a junk heap, then do something about it. it doesn't have to end in a war with her, these problems can often be sorted rationally, but you both have to compromise.

[DSG4ME]

That being the problem she simply will not compromise, she comes from a family that has to have its own way every time.

[elvismiggell]

That being the problem she simply will not compromise, she comes from a family that has to have its own way every time.

I know that feeling... *grumble grumble*

[macmillions]

I don't know what you mea...

Oh, swmbo wants the computer now...