Tell Uncle Christopher

[Captain Answer]

I think we need a support thread. Please direct to me any confessions you'd like to get off your chest or if you need any advise then this is the thread for you. I'll even start..


It had been 6 months since I'd felt the warm oaky taste of a cigarette in my mouth until last night when I lit one up after a few drinks. It's hot amber glow dancing playfully before my eyes, its familiar feeling between my fingers, the smoke lingering around us as we enjoyed the patio heater. I feet raptures - but then this morning the evocative high had gone, my mouth felt like carpet, my clothes smelled of my previous adventures, my mind addled with so many questions.

[kite]

I have a confesion to make....













I'm just about to detail my daughters.......



Fiesta !!

[Captain Answer]

I have a confesion to make....













I'm just about to detail my daughters.......



Fiesta !!

Dearest Kite,

Thank you for your post, firstly I'd like to point out there is nothing wrong with a a man detailing an overly effeminate car, more so as it actually isn't yours. My concern here is that your daughter will not appreciate the time and effort you lovingly apply to the vehicle on her behalf. I'd suggest a swift course of words with said daughter if this is the case.

Lots of Love

Uncle Christopher

[Eshrules]

Dear uncle Christopher,

I have a secret crush on an uncle, called.... Christopher, please help. Am I gay?

[audipersempre]

I enjoy athletes foot and having a good old scratch and peeling the skin off. Am I sick and twisted or is it the rest of you that are wrong?

[MalcQV]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I seem to have an new affliction for the love of BMW's, what is more surprising is I do not own one either. What can I do as I am hated by all my virtual buddies? I have not yet told anyone anywhere I like Ferrari and don't like McLaren. If this gets out along with my liking for BMW I am doomed.

Please help me.

Regards
Malcolm

[bora(ing) nick]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I'm addicted... so much so that it is effecting my work and my social life. I crave so badly and lash out when i can't have it. It started off as a secret, but soon got too serious to hide. My girlfriend is threatening to leave me, and i could lose my job if i continue...

I'm addicted to VWAF.

Feel betteer already :D

[bora(ing) nick]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I seem to have an new affliction for the love of BMW's, what is more surprising is I do not own one either. What can I do as I am hated by all my virtual buddies? I have not yet told anyone anywhere I like Ferrari and don't like McLaren. If this gets out along with my liking for BMW I am doomed.

Please help me.

Regards
Malcolm

Noiced your new avatar.... brave... very brave :D

[audipersempre]

By the way Captain, I think you are going to be a very very busy guy from posting this thread :biglaugh:

[MalcQV]

Noiced your new avatar.... brave... very brave :D

Surprised I still have it. The admins are very forgiving :p

[MalcQV]

By the way Captain, I think you are going to be a very very busy guy from posting this thread :biglaugh:

Yes come on buck up if you are going to offer a service then get on with it :mad:

[Captain Answer]

Dear uncle Christopher,

I have a secret crush on an uncle, called.... Christopher, please help. Am I gay?

Dearest Eshrules-Enterprises,

Thank you very much for sharing, firstly I can assure you that you are not alone in your attraction to this person, secondly ask yourself how deep does this crush run? Is it merely that you require reciprocation of your admiration or do you want your back doors stormed SAS style?

Warm Regards

Uncle Chritopher


I enjoy athletes foot and having a good old scratch and peeling the skin off. Am I sick and twisted or is it the rest of you that are wrong?

Dear audipersempre,

You're admitance here shows great strength and courage, people often enjoy personal habits such as these, biting the finger nails, picking your ears. You're only sick and twisted if you smell your fingers afterwards or use this activity for sexual gratification. As for the rest of us - that's for another day

Think of you always

Uncle Christopher


Dear Uncle Christopher,

I seem to have an new affliction for the love of BMW's, what is more surprising is I do not own one either. What can I do as I am hated by all my virtual buddies? I have not yet told anyone anywhere I like Ferrari and don't like McLaren. If this gets out along with my liking for BMW I am doomed.

Please help me.

Regards
Malcolm

Dearest Malcolm,

Look inside yourself and ask, am I just filling a hole with my love of BMW motor vehicles? Is this a cheap heady thrill like looking down a co-workers top as she bends for some files or more of a lasting admiration? If you truly love something your digital friends will understand.

Forever in my heart,

Uncle Christopher


Dear Uncle Christopher,

I'm addicted... so much so that it is effecting my work and my social life. I crave so badly and lash out when i can't have it. It started off as a secret, but soon got too serious to hide. My girlfriend is threatening to leave me, and i could lose my job if i continue...

I'm addicted to VWAF.

Feel betteer already :D

Dearest bora(ing) nick,

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on opening up to the rest of the group, I've read you're post though and actually don't see which bit the problem is? This forum is a home for us all.

Eternally your friend,

Uncle Christopher


By the way Captain, I think you are going to be a very very busy guy from posting this thread :biglaugh:

Dearest audipersempre,

This is indeed a hard task to bear, however I feel that for the good of the forum it must be done. My heart is open to you all.

My greatest admirations,

Uncle Christopher


Yes come on buck up if you are going to offer a service then get on with it :mad:

Dearest Malcom,

I understand that you are desperate for the help of a digital person you have never met, however that digital person had to go to the dentist and is very sorry for the delay in service.

Please accept my appologies,

Uncle Christopher

[audipersempre]

Thank you Uncle Christopher. I of course wouldn't never smell my fingers afterwards........................................ . but a friend of mine does. Can you recomend a cure for this twisted person?

[Captain Answer]

Thank you Uncle Christopher. I of course wouldn't never smell my fingers afterwards........................................ . but a friend of mine does. Can you recomend a cure for this twisted person?

Dear audipersempre,

Whilst I don't know of any particular cure for this sickness, I would recommend that they spend some time asking them selves why they enjoy this sort of depravity and build towards growing their willpower in stopping it.

Best of luck to your 'friend'

Uncle Christopher

[Eshrules]

Dearest Eshrules-Enterprises,

Thank you very much for sharing, firstly I can assure you that you are not alone in your attraction to this person, secondly ask yourself how deep does this crush run? Is it merely that you require reciprocation of your admiration or do you want your back doors stormed SAS style?

Warm Regards

Uncle Chritopher



Dear Uncle Chritopher,

When I say crush, it is more of a burning desire to be around said person, to be held, to be kissed, to be loved.

Ahem :Blush2:

P.S. I don't want my back doors stormed SAS style, I want my love tunnel gently broken in, can Uncle Christopher fix this, or should I write to 'jim'll fix it' ?

[omegadirective]

Dear Uncle Chritopher,

When I say crush, it is more of a burning desire to be around said person, to be held, to be kissed, to be loved.

Ahem :Blush2:

P.S. I don't want my back doors stormed SAS style, I want my love tunnel gently broken in, can Uncle Christopher fix this, or should I write to 'jim'll fix it' ?


Lol. This is twisted. I pity you King Esh. All the power has gone to your head and stressed you. :(

You'd better watch, otherwise you'll need backdoor love tunnel reconstruction! :p

[hongkongstuey]

please forgive me, but every day i make someone feel very small and insignificant every day on the way to work, he is young, he doesnt know better and his sin is buying a 2 litre 16v dti vectra, he tries bless him but he is either unable to shake me on the way to work, if by chance he is behind me, he tries to pass but unfortunatly the superior power of my car means this is a labour in vain and he never plucks up the courage to actuallt do it safely, sometimes passin on blind hills or on blind corners and one time misjudged a roundabout and outbraked himself and went over a roundabout instead of roud it, is there anyway i can reassure him that he just has to save up a bit and buy a decent car? :o

have i done wrong, please forgive me

[omegadirective]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I have a dilemma. I am unsure whether to get engaged to my girlfriend. We both feel we are ready for it, it feels absolutely the right thing to do, however we are both still in full time education! For this reason, and a little worry about mixed responses from our parents we are a little hesitant to do this.

It would be a LONG engagement lasting until 2-3 years after we both finish higher education and are settled together. She has 2 years left at college, I have 1 year left at Uni.

Any advice on this matter would be greatly appreciated!

Many thanks, your avid reader, Odie! :)

[omegadirective]

please forgive me, but every day i make someone feel very small and insignificant every day on the way to work, he is young, he doesnt know better and his sin is buying a 2 litre 16v dti vectra, he tries bless him but he is either unable to shake me on the way to work, if by chance he is behind me, he tries to pass but unfortunatly the superior power of my car means this is a labour in vain and he never plucks up the courage to actuallt do it safely, sometimes passin on blind hills or on blind corners and one time misjudged a roundabout and outbraked himself and went over a roundabout instead of roud it, is there anyway i can reassure him that he just has to save up a bit and buy a decent car? :o

have i done wrong, please forgive me


LMAO! Should have gone to VAG-dealers... :biglaugh:

[Col]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I have a rampant facial hair problem. It grows like billio. I'm toying with the idea of becoming a weird beard that would play havoc with cross dressing night, which incidently is every Friday night.

I've thought of using some P38 instead of my normal makeup to cover the growth but am worried how I'd get it off.

What should I do ?

[Captain Answer]

Dear Uncle Chritopher,

When I say crush, it is more of a burning desire to be around said person, to be held, to be kissed, to be loved.

Ahem :Blush2:

P.S. I don't want my back doors stormed SAS style, I want my love tunnel gently broken in, can Uncle Christopher fix this, or should I write to 'jim'll fix it' ?

Dear Eshrules-Enterprises,

Thank you for your open and honest answer, your enthusiasm is a shining example for us all.

This isn't something that I could arrange for your myself as I don't know any gentleman of that persuasion. However I believe that paying a visit to your local "bears and cubs" organisation may help you in further exploration of this desire

Yours worriedly at the mental image of Jimmy Savile busting in your back doors.

Uncle Christopher


please forgive me, but every day i make someone feel very small and insignificant every day on the way to work, he is young, he doesnt know better and his sin is buying a 2 litre 16v dti vectra, he tries bless him but he is either unable to shake me on the way to work, if by chance he is behind me, he tries to pass but unfortunatly the superior power of my car means this is a labour in vain and he never plucks up the courage to actuallt do it safely, sometimes passin on blind hills or on blind corners and one time misjudged a roundabout and outbraked himself and went over a roundabout instead of roud it, is there anyway i can reassure him that he just has to save up a bit and buy a decent car? :o

have i done wrong, please forgive me

Dearest hongkongstuey,

Whilst I can identify why you may feel that you are doing wrong by this particular 'yoof', I myself cannot see anything but positivity. Imagine the hope and enthusiasm you instil in him every single morning that today could be his day, finally he might punt his middle of the road bland GM inspired family cruiser hard enough, that he might finally make a spec of you in his rear view mirror.

My advice would be to toy and tease with him occasionally, let him gain some ground only to roar away in a show of superiority

Yours lovingly,

Uncle Christopher


Dear Uncle Christopher,

I have a dilemma. I am unsure whether to get engaged to my girlfriend. We both feel we are ready for it, it feels absolutely the right thing to do, however we are both still in full time education! For this reason, and a little worry about mixed responses from our parents we are a little hesitant to do this.

It would be a LONG engagement lasting until 2-3 years after we both finish higher education and are settled together. She has 2 years left at college, I have 1 year left at Uni.

Any advice on this matter would be greatly appreciated!

Many thanks, your avid reader, Odie! :)

Dearest omegadirective,

Firstly I would suggest you PM me pictures of this potential long term mate, this will help me to better guide you. Secondly I would ask that you would take some time in considering your present girlfriends friends, are any of them fit enough for occasional knockings when things start to dry a little with the potential fiancée. Thirdly look at her mother, I mean really look at her and access if you could stomach railing your wife when she looks like her.

I wouldn't concern yourself with the length of the engagement, this in my eyes is a perfect period of time for said arrangement and in fact never has to go to the next level - this will stop her one day divorcing you, ripping out your heart and taking the home from you that you've worked hard to pay for.

Were you aware that Argos do a wonderful range of engagement rings from as little as £20? This is perfect as after all "It's the thought that counts", girls like us to think that this is true, in fact they want a rock the size of child's eye on their finger to determine your level of feeling. This is an issue for myself as no woman has ever stumped up a couple of thousand to put a nice watch or ring on my hand.

Think about your future, but not just your future, it will not be yours as soon as you put a ring on her finger it will be "ours" which is a code for hers.

Yours sinistrally

Uncle Christopher

[Col]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I have a bottle of Baileys and a shoe, what should I do ?

[Col]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I have a really naughty monkey and can't stop spanking it, what should I do ?

[Captain Answer]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I have a bottle of Baileys and a shoe, what should I do ?


Dear Uncle Christopher,

I have a really naughty monkey and can't stop spanking it, what should I do ?

Dear Big Col,

I feel I'd like to tackle both these issues as one, it would seem logical to myself that there is a quite simple solution. Take said shoe, fill it with baileys then sip your fine beverage whilst administering punishment to your primate friend. I think you'll be surprised at the result.

Yours on the way to the pub

Uncle Chistopher

[Ben]

Dear uncle christopher

During a younger period of my life (1999), i was following another professionals advice and, at times found myself struggling a bit from time to time.

the following is a transcript of the advice i was given why did i get confused?



Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….
You’re not as fat as you imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…some of the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…

[Desertfish]

Dear Uncle Christopher:

A month or two ago, one of my digital friends was expressing his concern about the masculinity of this forum as soon as posts appeared involving makeup and handbags. As I have been very busy for the past month, I have not really had the time to visit my circle of digital friends here at VWAF, but now that I'm back, I conclude (to my horror) that the aforementioned person is openly admitting to his desire of having his backdoor gently broken into.

What has happened? Has my disappearance over the past month been the cause of this friends 180 degree turn in attitude? Have I failed in guiding this young gentleman in some of his preferences in life due to my absence? Is it all my fault?

Please help.
Desertfish

[RichardCranium]

Dear Uncle Christopher
When choosing my new car, I almost went for a BMW! After giving myself a severe birching, i chose an Audi.

Do you think i'm cured?

[BDT]

Dear uncle christopher

During a younger period of my life (1999), i was following another professionals advice and, at times found myself struggling a bit from time to time.

the following is a transcript of the advice i was given why did i get confused?

Rather then reading all of that, just listen to this instead (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ&eurl=http://video.google.co.uk/videosearch?hl=en&safe=off&q=%22But+trust+me+on+the+sunscreen%22&um=1iurl=http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/xfq_A8nXMsQ/default.jpg)

[k9max]

Rather then reading all of that, just listen to this instead (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ&eurl=http://video.google.co.uk/videosearch?hl=en&safe=off&q=%22But+trust+me+on+the+sunscreen%22&um=1iurl=http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/xfq_A8nXMsQ/default.jpg)

Only be guided by genuine professionals like Uncle Christopher. Your life may depend on it.


Speaking of which: dear Uncle Christopher,

Every so often I speak in spoonerisms, where my turds are worned fack to brunt, and sumbled jideways. As you can see, this gives the impression I am balking tollocks, but it can be embarrassing when batting up the chirds who think I am a pamper short of a hicnic. Sometimes they gnee me in the koolies because they think I'm reing bude, but they just get the strong end of the wick. Then without warning I will tart stalking normally again for which I give my worldly thanks.
Please help me stop getting mucking fuddled,
Yours in despair,
k9max

[Eshrules]

Dear uncle Christopher,

why have you deserted me in my hour of need?

I visited the Ann Summers shop, as you advised, but they told me they had never heard of a double headed 'dingaling'

:(

[MalcQV]

Dear uncle Christopher,

why have you deserted me in my hour of need?

I visited the Ann Summers shop, as you advised, but they told me they had never heard of a double headed 'dingaling'

:(

:yikes: wrong shop mate!

[Captain Answer]

Dear uncle christopher

During a younger period of my life (1999), i was following another professionals advice and, at times found myself struggling a bit from time to time.

the following is a transcript of the advice i was given why did i get confused?

Dear golfmk5gttdi,

You appear to have stolen a transcript of a song that bas lerman in turn stole from a well known email chain. This isn't applicable to this thread of thought out professional advice.

Yours in despair

Uncle Christopher


Dear Uncle Christopher:

A month or two ago, one of my digital friends was expressing his concern about the masculinity of this forum as soon as posts appeared involving makeup and handbags. As I have been very busy for the past month, I have not really had the time to visit my circle of digital friends here at VWAF, but now that I'm back, I conclude (to my horror) that the aforementioned person is openly admitting to his desire of having his backdoor gently broken into.

What has happened? Has my disappearance over the past month been the cause of this friends 180 degree turn in attitude? Have I failed in guiding this young gentleman in some of his preferences in life due to my absence? Is it all my fault?

Please help.
Desertfish

Dear Desertfish,

I feel you are being to hard on yourself, afterall - you can't decide how tall the grass may grow or a bird may fly. Similarly you cannot control another mans desire for backdoor activity, My advice would be to disown this person in search of someone more heterosexual for fear of being bummed.

Yours lovingly

Uncle Christopher


Dear Uncle Christopher
When choosing my new car, I almost went for a BMW! After giving myself a severe birching, i chose an Audi.

Do you think i'm cured?

Dear RichardCranium,

You're the second person to ask me for BMW advice, I can see some form of recurrent theme here that I must investigate. I am very thankful that you had the strength and self control to buy a car of quality however I feel that uninvestigated this yearning could grow and manifest in other ways. I'd suggest booking sessions with a local proffessional for counciling.

Yours deeply,

Uncle Christopher


Only be guided by genuine professionals like Uncle Christopher. Your life may depend on it.


Speaking of which: dear Uncle Christopher,

Every so often I speak in spoonerisms, where my turds are worned fack to brunt, and sumbled jideways. As you can see, this gives the impression I am balking tollocks, but it can be embarrassing when batting up the chirds who think I am a pamper short of a hicnic. Sometimes they gnee me in the koolies because they think I'm reing bude, but they just get the strong end of the wick. Then without warning I will tart stalking normally again for which I give my worldly thanks.
Please help me stop getting mucking fuddled,
Yours in despair,
k9max

Dear k9max,

Que?

Yours in your sister

Uncle Christopher


Dear uncle Christopher,

why have you deserted me in my hour of need?

I visited the Ann Summers shop, as you advised, but they told me they had never heard of a double headed 'dingaling'

:(

Dearest Eshrules,

I am merely trying to show you what the path you are making for yourself means, the desires you have mean that straight people will look on you with sickening eyes as you screech about town with a protracted voice and tight fitting metrosexual clothes.

Yours back to the wall

Uncle Christopher

[audipersempre]

I bought myself a Borat style mankini for the last England game as a joke but now I find myself wearing it around the house every evening. Worse still I have the urge to go outside the house and proudly strut round occassionally bending over to pick up random items from the floor thus exposing my hairy ***.

I am concerned about my creditbility and worried that whilst bending over I will be rogered by one of the raving bum bandits from this Audi forum.

Uncle Christopher what should I do?

[Captain Answer]

I bought myself a Borat style mankini for the last England game as a joke but now I find myself wearing it around the house every evening. Worse still I have the urge to go outside the house and proudly strut round occassionally bending over to pick up random items from the floor thus exposing my hairy ***.

I am concerned about my creditbility and worried that whilst bending over I will be rogered by one of the raving bum bandits from this Audi forum.

Uncle Christopher what should I do?

Dear audipersempre,

I could let you have EHS's contact information if you like.. i'm sure he'd be more than interested in teasing your special attire aside and fiddling about with your rusty trombone.

Yours wondering what happened to real men

Uncle Christopher

[philla4tdi]

Dear uncle Christopher,
i have found myself picking my nose alot, and getting caught. the thing is, i just dont care, is this wrong? i work in an environment where i get lots of 'mega bogeys' and even the odd 'megatron bogeys' which just need to be removed, so i do it. should i stop? and should i feel shame if i get caught? woe is me....:(
yours in confidence,
philla4tdi

[Col]

Dear uncle Christopher,
i have found myself picking my nose alot, and getting caught. the thing is, i just dont care, is this wrong? i work in an environment where i get lots of 'mega bogeys' and even the odd 'megatron bogeys' which just need to be removed, so i do it. should i stop? and should i feel shame if i get caught? woe is me....:(
yours in confidence,
philla4tdi

Interim reply only here until the official one happens....

The crunchy ones with grit in are the best ;)

[Col]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

Please could you either recommend me a new toilet, different sitting position or method of cleaning?

The problem is the back of the pan either always gets severely striped or looks like a flock of starlings has hit it depending of what I've previously eaten or beer I've drunk. Sunday mornings are the worse hence this post. Weekdays are not a problem as works toilet suffers. I usually use trap two at work and have observed that it is not just me as the noises that come out of the adjacent traps are similar, like a giant fart and simultaneous splatting. Not nice, I know but if all four traps are occupied at the same time it can sound like the 'Frog Chorus" but with splatty fart noises instead. Anyway this relates to my own toilet at home.

It is quite annoying as I like to "flush and go" so to speak after of course washing my hands. These modern close coupled bogs are quite obviously only designed for 'girl' poo and not the mighty productions us blokes create when we bark our breakfast down the bowl.

The obvious solution would be to have a high level cistern with a good head of water which quite obviously would provide more kinetic engery to shift those stubborn stripes and pebble dashes. Problem is, that would require substantial re-modelling of the bathroom.

I have taken to having a large plant pot liner in the bathroom which I fill up with water and try and replicate the high level cistern effect by holding it as high as possible and pouring water down. This is a bit of a chore and you can end up with water everywhere.

So what should I do?

Eat more fibre

or

Bite the bullet and fit a high level cistern.

or

Continue to pour water and wear out bog brushes at an exponential rate?

Please help.

[philla4tdi]

The crunchy ones with grit in are the best ;)

the 'megatron bogey', also one of my favorites too, need a proper good dig out...

[Col]

the 'megatron bogey', also one of my favorites too, need a proper good dig out...

Sometimes they feel like they have bones in them.

[philla4tdi]

Sometimes they feel like they have bones in them.
how do you know they don't? some times i dig so deep i think im gonna end up like daniella westbrook...


http://www.evilgerald.com/Issues/Issue5/Assets/westbrook.jpg

[Dudey Head]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I'm planning to start a career of transvesticism and have been inspecting Mrs. Dudey's extremely numerous and varied wardrobe contents.
I've narrowed it down to two outfits of very different natures. Do I go all girly and don one of a couple of floaty floral dresses that she has or should I vamp it up in her leather pencil skirt, fitted sweater & squeeze my feet into some killer heels? I'm scared my bum will look big in the skirt though.
Ideally I wanted to just be a tart but she disappointingly owns neither a white stretchy miniskirt or boob-tube.

Please help! :1zhelp:

Yours, confused and directionless,

D.H.

[MalcQV]

Dear uncle Christopher,
I have just read the last few posts and feel quite ill. What do you suggest?

[Eshrules]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I think I've developed a rather unfortunate affliction, whereby I think of something funny, but by the time I've typed it out to share it with my fellow online nerds, it is no longer funny.

What can possibly have caused this (knowing that I was previously compared to the likes of Lee Evans and Peter Kay for my comedic genius) and what can I do to fix it? I fear Jim'll Fix It may not be enough this time :(

[omegadirective]

Dear uncle Christopher,
I have just read the last few posts and feel quite ill. What do you suggest?


:beerchug: :biglaugh:

[Dudey Head]

Dear uncle Christopher,
I have just read the last few posts and feel quite ill. What do you suggest?

Dear uncle Christopher,

I am one of those said posters & thus already am quite ill! :D

[MalcQV]

Dear uncle Christopher,

I am one of those said posters & thus already am quite ill! :D

Where is bloomin Uncle Christopher??

[Hex69]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

My name is Lewis, and it seems nobody likes me, except my boss Ron.

What can I do? If I get all touchy-feely, as I did with a Brazilian in Japan, people start telling me off.

Or I just clear off for the afternoon, as I did in China, people say that it's just because I've got better toys than the other boys, and if I don't get my way, I'll kill someone.

Yours in despair,

Lewis.

[MalcQV]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

My name is Lewis, and it seems nobody likes me, except my boss Ron.

What can I do? If I get all touchy-feely, as I did with a Brazilian in Japan, people start telling me off.

Or I just clear off for the afternoon, as I did in China, people say that it's just because I've got better toys than the other boys, and if I don't get my way, I'll kill someone.

Yours in despair,

Lewis.
:D:D:p:p

PS I would love to drive a real red car, this Merc is crap!

[Sam]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I think I've developed a rather unfortunate affliction, whereby I think of something funny, but by the time I've typed it out to share it with my fellow online nerds, it is no longer funny.

What can possibly have caused this (knowing that I was previously compared to the likes of Lee Evans and Peter Kay for my comedic genius) and what can I do to fix it? I fear Jim'll Fix It may not be enough this time :(

Mogadon

[hagis]

Captain Answer isn't in hospital with problems with his wisdom teeth, is he?

[Dudey Head]

Captain Answer isn't in hospital with problems with his wisdom teeth, is he?

Sho he'll shlurring hish repliesh a bit? :D

[MalcQV]

Sho he'll shlurring hish repliesh a bit? :D

:p:p:p I forgot he was in hospital.

[Captain Answer]

Dear Readers,

Uncle Christopher is on sabatical until tommorrow as he has a days work to do in an afternoon after having his wisdom tooth pulled out. Please accept my appologies.

Yours lovingly

Uncle Christopher

[Ben]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I think I've developed a rather unfortunate affliction, whereby I think of something funny, but by the time I've typed it out to share it with my fellow online nerds, it is no longer funny.

What can possibly have caused this (knowing that I was previously compared to the likes of Lee Evans and Peter Kay for my comedic genius) and what can I do to fix it? I fear Jim'll Fix It may not be enough this time :(

simple, don't type anything at all!!;)

[Dudey Head]

Dear uncle Christopher, is this really you:

http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m3/nov2007/8/0/7BFCED06-FCFC-B835-0F4B218D915A2ABC.jpg

[Captain Answer]

Dear uncle Christopher,
i have found myself picking my nose alot, and getting caught. the thing is, i just dont care, is this wrong? i work in an environment where i get lots of 'mega bogeys' and even the odd 'megatron bogeys' which just need to be removed, so i do it. should i stop? and should i feel shame if i get caught? woe is me....:(
yours in confidence,
philla4tdi

Dear philla4tdi,

I have had many dealings with this in the past, being a picker myself. I don't see what the big probem is really. Think of all the rainforest trees you're saving by having a bit of a dig about!

My advice would be to retire to the bathroom when you feel the urge for a dig, this can be combined with other personal grooming interests as you desire.

Yours wondering if he's the only one who get those really thin ones that take up most your nose that are hard to remove.

Uncle Christopher


Dear Uncle Christopher,

Please could you either recommend me a new toilet, different sitting position or method of cleaning?

The problem is the back of the pan either always gets severely striped or looks like a flock of starlings has hit it depending of what I've previously eaten or beer I've drunk. Sunday mornings are the worse hence this post. Weekdays are not a problem as works toilet suffers. I usually use trap two at work and have observed that it is not just me as the noises that come out of the adjacent traps are similar, like a giant fart and simultaneous splatting. Not nice, I know but if all four traps are occupied at the same time it can sound like the 'Frog Chorus" but with splatty fart noises instead. Anyway this relates to my own toilet at home.

It is quite annoying as I like to "flush and go" so to speak after of course washing my hands. These modern close coupled bogs are quite obviously only designed for 'girl' poo and not the mighty productions us blokes create when we bark our breakfast down the bowl.

The obvious solution would be to have a high level cistern with a good head of water which quite obviously would provide more kinetic engery to shift those stubborn stripes and pebble dashes. Problem is, that would require substantial re-modelling of the bathroom.

I have taken to having a large plant pot liner in the bathroom which I fill up with water and try and replicate the high level cistern effect by holding it as high as possible and pouring water down. This is a bit of a chore and you can end up with water everywhere.

So what should I do?

Eat more fibre

or

Bite the bullet and fit a high level cistern.

or

Continue to pour water and wear out bog brushes at an exponential rate?

Please help.

Dear BigCol,

Thank you very much for your post, I have been mulling this over since monday and in all honesty I think none of your solutions are adequate. Have you been lucky enough yet to use a Dyson Airblade hand drier? I'm thinking something similar with high powered water jets to power down teh pan post "bark"

The other options would be - deposit in your neighbours garden or fit a colostomy bag

Yours with a slight sting from his last "bark" it were a bit violent like, you know when you've not been then you lay 3 or 4 long thick hard brown cables in the bowl?

Uncle Christopher


Dear Uncle Christopher,

I'm planning to start a career of transvesticism and have been inspecting Mrs. Dudey's extremely numerous and varied wardrobe contents.
I've narrowed it down to two outfits of very different natures. Do I go all girly and don one of a couple of floaty floral dresses that she has or should I vamp it up in her leather pencil skirt, fitted sweater & squeeze my feet into some killer heels? I'm scared my bum will look big in the skirt though.
Ideally I wanted to just be a tart but she disappointingly owns neither a white stretchy miniskirt or boob-tube.

Please help! :1zhelp:

Yours, confused and directionless,

D.H.

Dear Dudey Head

I think you should incorporate both outfits, the floral dress for work in the day then the more risquee one for later on when you're feeling more racey.

Yours disgusted

Uncle Christopher


Dear uncle Christopher,
I have just read the last few posts and feel quite ill. What do you suggest?

Dear MalcQV,

Now ofcourse being your faithful uncle I don't condone your feelings, however I can assure you that you are not alone. Perhaps you should stop reading VWAUDIFORUMS one hand in your underwear reading about toilet dilemas and cross dressing?

Yours typing slower than usual ;-)

Uncle Christopher


Dear Uncle Christopher,

I think I've developed a rather unfortunate affliction, whereby I think of something funny, but by the time I've typed it out to share it with my fellow online nerds, it is no longer funny.

What can possibly have caused this (knowing that I was previously compared to the likes of Lee Evans and Peter Kay for my comedic genius) and what can I do to fix it? I fear Jim'll Fix It may not be enough this time :(

Dear Eshrules,

Just post pictures of your face, we will laugh I promise

Yours fearing the dark

Uncle Christopher


Dear Uncle Christopher,

My name is Lewis, and it seems nobody likes me, except my boss Ron.

What can I do? If I get all touchy-feely, as I did with a Brazilian in Japan, people start telling me off.

Or I just clear off for the afternoon, as I did in China, people say that it's just because I've got better toys than the other boys, and if I don't get my way, I'll kill someone.

Yours in despair,

Lewis.

Dear Lewis,

My local Morrisons are recruiting, perhaps you should give up driving like a doughnut and start making some instead?

Yours lovingly

Uncle Christopher


Dear uncle Christopher, is this really you:

http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m3/nov2007/8/0/7BFCED06-FCFC-B835-0F4B218D915A2ABC.jpg

Dear Dudey Head.

Yes, yes it is, though that's when I was buff and trim. I'm no longer such a fine specimin.

Yours with thanks,

Uncle Christopher

[audipersempre]

Uncle Christopher,

I believe Kerry Katona is in desperate need of your help. What advice do you have for her?

[hagis]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

Mummy says I am special.


Hagis.

[Eshrules]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

Mummy says I am special.


Hagis.


I don't think we need uncle Christopher to answer that one....

[paul b]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

During a recent go-karting event I was beaten by my own son, and not for the first time either. :( Everything he has learned was from me, and now he takes the p*s* by making me look... slow.

And on slow... my van goes... erm... slow on the way home. And I'm waiting for some help which seems a bit... slow.

Yours slowly, :(

Paul

[Captain Answer]

Uncle Christopher,

I believe Kerry Katona is in desperate need of your help. What advice do you have for her?

Dear audipersempre,

I have a two phase plan for Miss Katona, firstly she should find a nice secluded ditch to fall in then proceed to drown.

I hope you're out there kezza

Uncle Christopher


Dear Uncle Christopher,

Mummy says I am special.


Hagis.

Dear Hagis,

You're mother is as wise as she is easy

Yours with love

Uncle Christopher



Dear Uncle Christopher,

During a recent go-karting event I was beaten by my own son, and not for the first time either. :( Everything he has learned was from me, and now he takes the p*s* by making me look... slow.

And on slow... my van goes... erm... slow on the way home. And I'm waiting for some help which seems a bit... slow.

Yours slowly, :(

Paul

Dear Paul,

Firstly are you sure he has learned these skills from yourself? I expect he's taken secret go karting lessons to give him a slight advantage, don't be disheartened. A real father knows exactly what to do, catch his back tyre just right into a corner then scream past as be spins out laughing manically

Yours realising why his father stopped taking him go karting

Uncle Christopher

[BDT]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I'm 20 yrs old. I'm a crack dealer and recently tested HIV+

Both my parents are in jail for growing and selling marijuana

My oldest brother is in jail for life without parole for murder

My younger brother depends on my two sisters for support. They are both prostitutes

I recently got engaged to an 16 year old girl. She is a prostitute. I love her very much and want to be completely open with her. Should I tell her about my cousin that supports Manchester United?

[hagis]

Firstly are you sure he has learned these skills from yourself? I expect he's taken secret go karting lessons to give him a slight advantage, don't be disheartened. A real father knows exactly what to do, catch his back tyre just right into a corner then scream past as be spins out laughing manically



Good tactic. I did just that on my neighbour's stag day at a karting circuit in Warrington having picked a corner the marshals couldn't see clearly.

I did feel bad for a minute, but it got me a place in the final. Plus he's an Everton fan.

[audipersempre]

Dear Uncle chrisopher,

I don't do drugs, chase women, dress as a woman, steal or lie..............................but I am a Tottenham supporter :(

:1zhelp::1zhelp::1zhelp:

[philla4tdi]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I'm 20 yrs old. I'm a crack dealer and recently tested HIV+

Both my parents are in jail for growing and selling marijuana

My oldest brother is in jail for life without parole for murder

My younger brother depends on my two sisters for support. They are both prostitutes

I recently got engaged to an 16 year old girl. She is a prostitute. I love her very much and want to be completely open with her. Should I tell her about my cousin that supports Manchester United?

you crazy? you cant tell her about that...... some things should remain a secret.

[Dudey Head]

you crazy? you cant tell her about that...... some things should remain a secret.

Wise words! There's openness & there's relationship destroying stupidity!! No-one in their right mind would put up with that! Salford United indeed...:puke:

[Hex69]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I take several small country lanes from my house to work and back each day, each of which the national speed limit can be reached on the straight sections with ease and safety. Yet each morning I will get stuck behind more than a few persons cruising along at 50. WHY?


Your in hope,

Cptn A. :D

[paul b]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

My vehicles are doing my head in. My T5 van seems to be a fussy drinker of diesel and only likes Shell stuff, my Audi wants a service within the next 1,000 miles and my work's Renault Trafic van conked out mysteriously about 80 yards down the road after leaving my house this morning, forcing me to use my particularly fussy T5.

I also forgot to mention I have a Skoda stuck on the drive which wees all its oil out within 5 minutes. I put 2 litres of oil in it and it all came spewing out of the exhaust within 2 minutes. So the dipstick reads zero which I am fairly certain is not healthy! :p Thankfully I think I know what's wrong with this one.

Because of that I have an oily driveway which is annoying the wife, hence I get earache and the cars are still... 'swear'ed.

What in the world is happening to my cars?

Yours in hope my luck will change...

Paul

[Captain Answer]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

My vehicles are doing my head in. My T5 van seems to be a fussy drinker of diesel and only likes Shell stuff, my Audi wants a service within the next 1,000 miles and my work's Renault Trafic van conked out mysteriously about 80 yards down the road after leaving my house this morning, forcing me to use my particularly fussy T5.

I also forgot to mention I have a Skoda stuck on the drive which wees all its oil out within 5 minutes. I put 2 litres of oil in it and it all came spewing out of the exhaust within 2 minutes. So the dipstick reads zero which I am fairly certain is not healthy! :p Thankfully I think I know what's wrong with this one.

Because of that I have an oily driveway which is annoying the wife, hence I get earache and the cars are still... 'swear'ed.

What in the world is happening to my cars?

Yours in hope my luck will change...

Paul

Dear Paul,

I've no idea on the problems with all of these, only that they could be solved simply with the use of a tank and lining them all up in a row.

Yours with thanks,

Uncle Christopher

[hagis]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

My vehicles are doing my head in. My T5 van seems to be a fussy drinker of diesel and only likes Shell stuff, my Audi wants a service within the next 1,000 miles and my work's Renault Trafic van conked out mysteriously about 80 yards down the road after leaving my house this morning, forcing me to use my particularly fussy T5.

I also forgot to mention I have a Skoda stuck on the drive which wees all its oil out within 5 minutes. I put 2 litres of oil in it and it all came spewing out of the exhaust within 2 minutes. So the dipstick reads zero which I am fairly certain is not healthy! :p Thankfully I think I know what's wrong with this one.

Because of that I have an oily driveway which is annoying the wife, hence I get earache and the cars are still... 'swear'ed.




Do you have a few old fridges in your front garden and a dog on a chain? :)

[MalcQV]

Do you have a few old fridges in your front garden and a dog on a chain? :)

I thought we all did up North :p

[hagis]

I don't.

Sorry for the delay in replying, I was in my backyard grooming my homing whippet.

[MalcQV]

I don't.

Sorry for the delay in replying, I was in my backyard grooming my homing whippet.

Not on your outside toilet next to the backentry then?

[hagis]

Nope, on the cobblestones whilst sat on the tin bath.

Outside toilet? Luxury, we used to dream of having an outside toilet and had to use a whole in the ground...

[MalcQV]

Nope, on the cobblestones whilst sat on the tin bath.

Outside toilet? Luxury, we used to dream of having an outside toilet and had to use a whole in the ground...

:p:p OK I give up.

[Dudey Head]

Back yard? Luxury...
Just been brushing the soil floor in my back-to-back. :D

[paul b]

Do you have a few old fridges in your front garden and a dog on a chain? :)
:p

I may make another thread later, my T5 has recently come to the rescue so I'm not going to call it. ;)

Paul

[hagis]

Back yard? Luxury...
Just been brushing the soil floor in my back-to-back. :D

Floor? Luxury!

[MalcQV]

Floor? Luxury!

Yep my "floor" is a coal mine.

[Dudey Head]

Yep my "floor" is a coal mine.

Coal? Luxury! When I were a lad, after your socks had finally worn through after being on your feet for three years, then we had something to burn! :p

[Captain Answer]

Coal? Luxury! When I were a lad, after your socks had finally worn through after being on your feet for three years, then we had something to burn! :p


Socks? Pure luxury, when I were a lad we had to huddle together naked when the workhouse master wasn't beating us

[Ben]

Do you have a few old fridges in your front garden and a dog on a chain? :)

I've met Paulb and i can vouch that he does not wear a vest and looks nothing like Onslow out of 'Keeping Up Appearances'

http://kuacentral.com/pics/kua03_5.jpg

[paul b]

:biglaugh::biglaugh::biglaugh:

Thanks very much Ben! :p The kids say I dress awfully but... well... I dunno! :confused:

Paul

[Ben]

;)

[BDT]

:biglaugh::biglaugh::biglaugh:

Thanks very much Ben! :p The kids say I dress awfully but... well... I dunno! :confused:

Paul

That'll be your united shirt then :biglaugh:

[MalcQV]

Socks? Pure luxury, when I were a lad we had to huddle together naked when the workhouse master wasn't beating us

Pure luxury you had friends to huddle with. I had the rats.

[Desertfish]

Pure luxury you had friends to huddle with. I had the rats.

Rats? Pure luxury. We never had any rats because we were so poor even the rats were starving. So they left...

[MalcQV]

Rats? Pure luxury. We never had any rats because we were so poor even the rats were starving. So they left...

They left, pure unadulterated luxury! Ours could not leave, no door we were all imprisoned.

[Eshrules]

Fellow Vag'ers/Dear Uncle Christopher explain me this

it's friday

My boss is off

I have no work

Why am I bored?

[MalcQV]

Fellow Vag'ers explain me this

it's friday

My boss is off

I have no work

Why am I bored?

Because unlike me and Mr Fish you had it oh soo easy.

[hagis]

They left, pure unadulterated luxury! Ours could not leave, no door we were all imprisoned.

Imprisoned? Luxury! We used to live, all 16 of us, in a cardboard box in the middle of the road.

[MalcQV]

Imprisoned? Luxury! We used to live, all 16 of us, in a cardboard box in the middle of the road.

Luxury, Did it have a door though?

[hagis]

Well, when I say it was a cardboard box it was more of a sheet of newspaper that we made into a box shape.

[MalcQV]

Well, when I say it was a cardboard box it was more of a sheet of newspaper that we made into a box shape.

Bugger you got me there.

We did not have the box or newspaper box, and it had no doors so we and the rats could not get out of the box that was not a box on the M63 that is a circular (that was it's names back then)

[Captain Answer]

Fellow Vag'ers/Dear Uncle Christopher explain me this

it's friday

My boss is off

I have no work

Why am I bored?

Dear Eshrules,

Were you aware that the pub is open for liquid lunch? I assure you that the afternoon will then be more interesting.

Yours sincerely,

Christopher le Uncle

[hagis]

Bugger you got me there.

We did not have the box or newspaper box, and it had no doors so we and the rats could not get out of the box that was not a box on the M63 that is a circular (that was it's names back then)


Motorway? Luxury.

[Eshrules]

Dear Eshrules,

Were you aware that the pub is open for liquid lunch? I assure you that the afternoon will then be more interesting.

Yours sincerely,

Christopher le Uncle

Dear Uncle Christopher,

is this some sort of cryptic date offer from you?

If so, I immediately and totally accept

:)

[MalcQV]

Motorway? Luxury.

Luxury? Luxury :dunno:

We could not use the word Luxury, it was not in our vocabulary back then.

[hagis]

Vocabulary? VOCABULARY? If we would have known what luxury was or were allowed by our father to dream, we would have been lucky to dream that we might know what a vocabulary was.

[MalcQV]

Vocabulary? VOCABULARY? If we would have known what luxury was or were allowed by our father to dream, we would have been lucky to dream that we might know what a vocabulary was.

Well when I said vocabulary, that was because I had no mouth to speak such words as vocabulary.

[hagis]

Oh, but you had words? I was 17 before I was allowed a word and even then that word was shared amongst my 17 brothers and sisters.

[MalcQV]

Oh, but you had words? I was 17 before I was allowed a word and even then that word was shared amongst my 17 brothers and sisters.

You remember how I said we had a box that was not a box on the circular? Well actually because it was not a box a horse and cart flattened me.

[Col]

Dear Captain,

I have not either washed or hoovered my car out for two weeks am I normal ?

Is it normal to feel like you just cannot be ******* ***** to do it sometimes?

The car is mingingly dirty out and in.

Normally I'd wash it twice a week and hoover it once a week.

Your advice eagerly anticipated and would be much appreciated.

[MalcQV]

Dear Captain,

I have not either washed or hoovered my car out for two weeks am I normal ?

Is it normal to feel like you just cannot be ******* ***** to do it sometimes?

The car is mingingly dirty out and in.

Normally I'd wash it twice a week and hoover it once a week.

Your advice eagerly anticipated and would be much appreciated.

I will do it Col. You are normal now but before washing your car twice a week is mad :p

[Sam]

Dear Captain,

I have not either washed or hoovered my car out for two weeks am I normal ?

Is it normal to feel like you just cannot be ******* ***** to do it sometimes?

The car is mingingly dirty out and in.

Normally I'd wash it twice a week and hoover it once a week.

Your advice eagerly anticipated and would be much appreciated.

Two weeks?

Hah!

Col, if you're ever down this way, let me know, I'll show you dirt (FNAR!)

[paul b]

If only my car was hoovered out every 2 weeks!

It gets washed every week or 2, but hoovering is somewhat of a rarity (sp)! Probably because I leave the wife to do that.

[Col]

I washed the Wifes car tonight instead of mine. How mad is that?

It wasn't as dirty as mine either.

Normally for mine, it gets a twice weekly wash, even in midwinter as I can do it under the lit car port. A few times it has been so cold, the water has frozen on it before I could dry it !

Also normally gets hoovered once a week without fail.

Been a tad busy in the garden so have neglected it !

[MalcQV]

The garden, you garden? Now that is serious :p

[Eshrules]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I have an itch.

Should I scratch or should I slap?

Love Esh

[Hex69]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I have an itch.

Should I scratch or should I slap?

Love Esh


Who you going to slap :confused:

[Eshrules]

Who you going to slap :confused:

I was about to refrain, but this is the +100 section to ******** to it...

I'm not going to slap anyone, dumbass, I meant the itch :p

[Sam]

Been a tad busy in the garden so have neglected it !

Is this garden on a slope?

[Crasher]

Is it me or is everything ****?

[Col]

Is this garden on a slope?

It varies.

Some of it is level, some of it is slightly inclined at about 2 1/2 degrees but one corner slopes at about 5 degrees.

As for uphill gardening, I wouldn't know as I have a fondness for hooters with nips like fruit pastels. And you know what they say about fruit pastels, the only thing you can do is chew. Uphill gardeners don't have hooters. Well some do, the chick-guy ones do but they don't have growlers. Well some chick-guy ones have growlers but I don't think they'd smell or taste the same?

[Sam]

Does this garden have a lot of shrubbery?

[pon]

Does this garden have a lot of shrubbery?

Or just a big bush?

[Dudey Head]

It varies.

Some of it is level, some of it is slightly inclined at about 2 1/2 degrees but one corner slopes at about 5 degrees.

As for uphill gardening, I wouldn't know as I have a fondness for hooters with nips like fruit pastels. And you know what they say about fruit pastels, the only thing you can do is chew. Uphill gardeners don't have hooters. Well some do, the chick-guy ones do but they don't have growlers. Well some chick-guy ones have growlers but I don't think they'd smell or taste the same?

Some just have moobs! Uncle Monty (Withnail & I) for example!!

[Dudey Head]

Is it me or is everything ****?

You're your usual bright & cheery self Mr Sunshine! :p

[pon]

Is it me or is everything ****?

Not just you Crasher, everthing seems to be **** at the moment:(
Think I need a holiday

[Col]

It is mainly laid to lawn with herbaceous borders. Any shrubery I keep neatly trimmed.

With regards to big hairy growlers if that was what was inferred, I like neatly trimmed topary and the innards to resemble a tightly packed kebab.

I am of course be talking about small icebergs which are called growlers.

[MalcQV]

All this talk of "Gardening" where the **** is the Captain?

[Hex69]

I am of course be talking about small icebergs which are called growlers.

What these???? :D

http://www.seedfest.co.uk/seeds/lettuce/Iceberg.jpg

[Dudey Head]

What these???? :D

http://www.seedfest.co.uk/seeds/lettuce/Iceberg.jpg

You wouldn't think something so unassuming would sink ships, would you? :D

[Sam]

You wouldn't think something so unassuming would sink ships, would you? :D

I think you're mistaken, that's a lettuce, not a torpedo :)

[Dudey Head]

I think you're mistaken, that's a lettuce, not a torpedo :)

Even so, you'd think that a steel hull would withstand one of those too!

http://citythatbreeds.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/torpedo.jpg

Culinary shipping dangers should not be underestimated!

[Eshrules]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

You've been absent for far too long. Has christmas come early for you? I know you were expecting a shiny new strap on, but please spare a thought for those souls less fortunate than yourself.

I have burning (ring?) questions for you to answer.

[Captain Answer]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

You've been absent for far too long. Has christmas come early for you? I know you were expecting a shiny new strap on, but please spare a thought for those souls less fortunate than yourself.

I have burning (ring?) questions for you to answer.

Dear Patron,

Uncle Christopher has been on holiday, I do hope however that I'm not too late and that the infection has spread??

Yours with thanks,

Uncle Christopher

[audipersempre]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

I am travelling on business and very bored. I have found an escort agency that offers various services but I don't know what to choose.

Should I have the body oil massage with prostate and foot massage or should I have the body oil massage with special service?

Oh, and forgive me father for I have already sinned. It has been more than 2 months since I last logged on to the forum :(

[Crasher]

I would have a full Longlife service with synthetic oil and full scan of all systems followed by an extensive road test.

[sooty]

I would have a full Longlife service with synthetic oil and full scan of all systems followed by an extensive road test.

LOL... Ask the escort agency if you get a free MOT with the service

[Col]

LOL... Ask the escort agency if you get a free MOT with the service

It'd still involve having a probe placed up your tailpipe to check for noxious gas levels.

Is that what you want cos that's what will happen?

[sooty]

It'd still involve having a probe placed up your tailpipe to check for noxious gas levels.

Is that what you want cos that's what will happen?

Hmm... Thats not what I want personally!

[Crasher]

Who’s going to know, as long as you don’t catch something or get robbed, enjoy it!

[Captain Answer]

I would have a full Longlife service with synthetic oil and full scan of all systems followed by an extensive road test.

I can give no better advice than this here, other than perhaps to suggest a full and thorough head service from the third party.

[Col]

Unc,

Who is this 3rd party?
Where is it?

I often hear it mentioned but never get invited to two let alone three.

[Captain Answer]

Unc,

Who is this 3rd party?
Where is it?

I often hear it mentioned but never get invited to two let alone three.


Dear Colin,

It's not for people like you.

Warmest thoughts,

Uncle Christopher

[Col]

Dear Colin,

It's not for people like you.

Warmest thoughts,

Uncle Christopher

Oh right, yes, the gay scene isn't for me.

Besides those strappy leather buckled thong things and chaps are hard to get in my size. I don't wear hats either so a leather cap is also out.

How about if I came as a BBW ? Guess not, they are different parties altogether.

I do hope you enjoy yourself there though.

[audipersempre]

BigCol............way too much information! I now have a nasty vision in my head of you dressed as something out of YMCA :eek:

Do you have the handlebar moustache?

3rd party reminds me. The escort agency offers this option too. You can have multiple girls attending at the same time or have them work 'tag team' style at 30 minute intervals. I kid you not!

Phew, who has the energy for that? Certainly not me at my age :(

[audipersempre]

Oh, and did I have a good time?

Well that would depend on whether you think I am the kind of person who condones prostitution, has no conscience and has morals that are down in the gutter..........................

[Ben]

well, what happened then? Spill the beans.

[audipersempre]

OK correct I do have the morals of a sewer rat.

Decided the prostate massage was a finger too far so took the more traditional service.

Very pretty and petite Korean girl. Very relaxing body oil massage followed by 'special' service.

Not quite the 'Orchard Towers' experience in Singapore (that's another story) ut did the job!

[Captain Answer]

Oh right, yes, the gay scene isn't for me.

Besides those strappy leather buckled thong things and chaps are hard to get in my size. I don't wear hats either so a leather cap is also out.

How about if I came as a BBW ? Guess not, they are different parties altogether.

I do hope you enjoy yourself there though.

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Bears+and+twinks

I think you'd definatly fit into one of these categories Col ;)

[pon]

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Bears+and+twinks

I think you'd definatly fit into one of these categories Col ;)

:scared::yikes:

[audipersempre]

And just when you think you have no charm and it's only money a Russian girl pops up in Korea and likes you for just what you are (whatever that is).

Peroxide blonde with dark roots but a truly genuine nice person with (without a doubt) the best *** in a pair of jeans you will ever see. I wish I had a movement like that in my watch :Blush2:

Asia always always surprises me.........................

[audipersempre]

Oh, and Uncle Chrisopher, you are supposed to be helping us (particularly me!) yet you are about to put poor BigCol into years of therapy............unless of course that is what he truly needs......................

[Col]

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Bears+and+twinks

I think you'd definatly fit into one of these categories Col ;)

Nah.

Anyway, I'm always in the kitchen at parties as that is where the food is.

[Captain Answer]

Nah.

Anyway, I'm always in the kitchen at parties as that is where the food is.

I'm usually in there as well, closer to the alcohol. I'll look out for you in future.

[MFGF]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

My friends at work have given me a challenge, which I'm struggling with. They told me that if I stand in the canteen and say the word "Gullible" out loud very slowly, it sounds like a kind of fruit. I have tried this several times, but I don't get it. :confused::confused::confused:

Can you advise me what I am doing wrong?

MF.

[hagis]

Gullible isn't a proper word. Look it up in a dictionary if you don't believe me.

[Captain Answer]

Dear Uncle Christopher,

My friends at work have given me a challenge, which I'm struggling with. They told me that if I stand in the canteen and say the word "Gullible" out loud very slowly, it sounds like a kind of fruit. I have tried this several times, but I don't get it. :confused::confused::confused:

Can you advise me what I am doing wrong?

MF.

Dear MFGF,

It would seem to me that the problem here is that you don't want to believe that the word can sound like a fruit. I would suggest you put in more effort, practice over and over in your head and buy a T Shirt with the word printed on.

Yours with love.

Uncle Christopher